October 22

Chapter 6-It’s Not About You

Oftentimes when we are working with others our own ideals and beliefs get in the way. What I mean by that is we may think that our way is the best way, and it is, for us. But we are not doing things for us. We are teachers who are there to empower our students to learn what works best for them. It is important that we do not force on them what works best for us. It is hard to let go of some of this control. Again I will use my son as an example, mainly because I am learning a lot from him and I am also learning, the hard way sometimes, that not everything needs to be done my way. Drake is required to help out with the chores in the house. As I have said before, I am a perfectionist and this does not limit itself to just school. One of his jobs is to clean one of the bathrooms in the house. I taught him the ways I expect the bathroom to be cleaned. We did it together a few times and then I left him to it when I felt he was ready for the task. He started on the job and what seemed like hours later, he finally said he was done. There was water everywhere, the dirty cloth was still in the room, the sink and tub were still filled with water, but man did he do a great job. He did everything he knew was needed-the sink and counter were clean. The tub shined and the toilet was no longer covered in urine. Every time I went in to check on him I was frustrated-he was not doing the cleaning in the same order I had taught him, his cloth was too wet- but in the end, he was able to complete the task in a way that worked for him and although there was some tweaking that was in order, he had done a great job.

Kristin Souers indicates in this chapter the power of communication. Our words and our tone are everything when talking with others. She gives us six steps to help us communicate more effectively with people when there is a crisis or a conflict. I am sure that had I used these six steps in the situation above maybe our tempers would not have risen and I could have given my son the love and admiration he deserved at the time.

  1. Listen-actually listen to what the other person has to say
  2. Reassure- let the person know that they and their feelings are important
  3. Validate- let the person know that what they are feeling is acknowledged as their truth and experience. Remember that this is about them and not about us so do not feel attacked-these are simply their feelings and experiences
  4. Respond- explain in your own words what has happened based on what that person has just told you
  5. Repair-recognizing that the other person was hurt in some way and apologizing in earnest will go a long way in maintaining a relationship
  6. Resolution- come to terms with what happened and take steps to not repeat the same situation in the future

If we focus on the other person in the situation rather than ourselves we can better see from their perspective.  In doing so we can be more successful in our interactions with them in the future. Remember, as Souers says “you are doing the best you can with what you have in the moment.”

 

Have you ever followed a similar plan when communicating with someone during a heated or emotional disagreement? If not do you think it would have changed anything?

Are there situations in which you have demanded someone to do things your way? How did they turn out? What could have happened if you had let them do it in their own way?


Posted October 22, 2017 by tiebcmembers in category Fostering Resilient Learners

6 thoughts on “Chapter 6-It’s Not About You

  1. Rhonda

    Wow! This chapter was a doozy! Imagine if someone – the place where I had my tires changed and they said that the tires were good for another year but then when I wanted them put back on they said that the tires were no good – went through all of these steps every time I felt upset. I do try to let my students know that it is okay to feel in our classroom. Last year, after my class watched Inside Out and worked with the counsellor on Zones of Regulation, the students were encouraged to let their classmates know how they were feeling by putting a popsicle stick – with their name on it – into one of the tins that is labelled with an Inside Out characters. Students were encouraged to do this as a morning, after recess and lunch check in. I’ve heard of a high school teacher that sends out a check-in form before each class that students quickly answer on their device while walking to class. When students express a feeling, I try to acknowledge them and reassure them that in that circumstance many people would feel that same way. What I’m really interested in is what a healthy repair looks like. I have been focusing on making healthy repairs between myself and the student that escalated. Now I’m wondering about the others around the student. I wonder about the healthy repair between the student and the rest of the class that had to do a room clear. I wonder about the healthy repair between the student and the staff that was called to help.

    Reply
    1. tiebcmembers (Post author)

      A doozy indeed! It really makes you think about your own practices and how we need to improve to better support our students.

      Reply
  2. Maureen

    In my job I deal with adults as well as students. I have EAs that come for advice, teachers who need support with a students and teachers who need guidance with other adults. I have gone to one teacher in my school who is amazing at this process that Kristin Souers uses in her book. The guiding questions are helpful in remembering that we really need to listen when an upset adult, teacher or student can elicite the fight, flight or freeze response. For me I get the rush of blood to my face but know that I need to let this individual speak their mind, take my breathe and remember that ‘It’s not about me”. Somedays are harder than others, but overall, I think I do a pretty good job at this. My challenge is to remember to move the encounter into a private location away from public eyes.

    Reply
    1. tiebcmembers (Post author)

      So true! This is an area I really need to work on! I will take a closer look at the guiding questions and use them when I need to work through the tricky situations that I encounter. Thanks for the reminder!

      Reply
  3. Elaine

    Sorry for coming to this post months late, people. I get here when I can… and Christmas Holidays came & went without me finding the motivation to “think work.”

    For me, the most mind blowing part of the chapter was reading about the 6 communication steps. I actually wrote, “Holy $h!t!” in the margins, because I FINALLY have a mnemonic for how to communicate (and lord knows, I’ve needed a strategy for as long as I’ve been on this earth!)
    1. Listen
    2. Reassure
    3. Validate
    4. Respond
    5. Repair
    6. Resolve
    LRVRRR… (I’m thinking of Celine Dion and how she “Lurvs” everyone… LRVRRR….)

    Anyway, Long ago, I had a boss who always told me to “Connect before you direct.” And while I had the instruction in my brain, I’m just not the best at connecting with people on an emotional level, especially when they seem to have crisis after crisis after crisis. With kids, I’m ok, but with adults?? I just never seem to have what people need. I want to fix what’s broken. It never occurred to me to reassure and validate. I wrote, “IT. IS. NOT. ABOUT. ME. NOT… ABOUT… ME!!!” When I read the top of page 85.
    I have to say, while I’m not the fastest horse out of the gate this past 2 months, I’ve really been focussing on the students and making sure their programming and interactions are more successful for all involved. I had this absolute snot-fest in my room this fall, where I felt like everyone was running to me for answers and I couldn’t be what everyone needed… and I didn’t have time to properly plan and execute plans because I was constantly in reactive mode…. but since I read this chapter (and also, after I went to President’s day and discovered that my workload might be a tad unbalanced), I’ve had a perspective shift. People aren’t looking to me for a fix. They just want me to Listen. Reassure. Validate… and the rest happens in due time. It’s time to shut my mouth and stop sewing pillows! Maybe I could stuff my mouth with a pillow…. 😉 e.

    Reply
    1. tiebcmembers (Post author)

      Thank you for this reminder Elaine! It is NOT about ME! I too just need to stop and listen, really listen, to what is being said-both with behaviour and with the words being spoken. I have one little guy who is in crisis mode. He is not coping well with all of the changes that have been happening in his life (he is on his fourth teacher-although she is the first one he had this year-long story). The past couple of days he came straight to me when school started. The first day I went with it, but the second and third days, I sent him back to his class-MISTAKE!!! The first day he had a wonderful day. The second and third days were awful! he needed my attention and asked through his actions, but I denied him, setting him up for a terrible time. I will listen tomorrow. Hopefully it helps!

      Reply

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