November 1

Part 3- Chapter 7 No One Said Relationship is Easy

How do we create strong, emotional relationships with our students? According to the author we go the extra mile, giving of our time and energy for those students. We let them know how much we care about them and we wonder about them in the future. For me, the very first student with whom I created that strong, emotional bond was a boy in my first teaching position, on a reserve in northern Alberta. He was not in my class for long, a foster child who was returned to his family before Christmas, but to this day I still think of him often. Some how, once he moved back home with his family, he got my phone number and when he had had a particularly rough day, he would phone me, at 2:00 in the morning. I fought to get him back in to foster care to no avail and I never saw him again. He is an adult now and I have heard, from friends still in the region, that he is happy and doing well. I do know that these relationships do not happen with every student and that is okay too.

Kristin Souers does say that, even though we cannot create a deep relationship with every student, it is possible to create a relationship that is safe enough and healthy enough for every student that crosses our path. This means we need to create an environment that is consistent and positive. We need to ensure that every student leaves our room with their integrity still intact. These things will ensure that the students feel safe. An environment that is healthy enough would include one in which reparations are made whenever it is necessary, and the teacher ensure that appropriate social interactions are modeled and cultivated. Can I say that I have done this for every student in my past? No, probably not for every single student, although I did try. I can think of one student in particular. I taught him last year and in trying to get him support him and grow his work, I believe he saw me as a threat to his intelligence. He told me once that he wanted to learn everything because he wanted to be a genius, but would not take feedback as opportunities to learn and improve. He also stopped completing his homework and coming to school. I failed this student and will always wonder how I could have made our relationship better.

 

Do you have a student or students with whom you have created a lasting relationship? How about any students with whom you were not able to connect?

What are some strategies that you can use to be safe enough and or healthy enough for all of your students?


Posted November 1, 2017 by tiebcmembers in category Fostering Resilient Learners

11 thoughts on “Part 3- Chapter 7 No One Said Relationship is Easy

  1. Rhonda

    I think the best way for me to be available to my students “everyday at 3:00” is to take care of myself. I believe that they rely on me to be there every day for them. This is how I can be safe enough for them. This is how I can consistently greet them at the door. In order to consistently be at work – and present – each day, I need to take care of myself with enough sleep, exercise and connections outside of school. I need to ensure that my basic needs and my fun factor are being filled each day so that I can be safe enough and healthy enough for my students.

    Reply
    1. tiebcmembers (Post author)

      So true! I however need to find that work-life-social balance. I feel like I am doing better with this concept this year, but it is always so difficult. Probably for me, the most difficult piece is having a social life, even with just my husband! Making time for ourselves is so important and is something I believe that we all need to be better at 🙂

      Reply
  2. Marguerite DiFilippo

    Well, Part III really resonated with me, it’s my school they are talking about…

    Isn’t it all about relationship, relationship, relationship…

    The foundation of my job as a Learning Resource Teacher (LRT) is based on a comment a principal made to me, which went something like this – your job is not discipline it is to make the student feel welcome, and have a safe place/person to go to, my job is discipline.

    That made my life so much easier, I can be the positive, upbeat person, it’s easy. The students tend to respond to this; although, most of the students I see have experienced trauma and need a safe place.

    How am I there everyday at 3pm. Like you Rhonda, I take care of me first, and then it’s easy to take care of others.

    Reply
    1. tiebcmembers (Post author)

      Wow! What a supportive principal you have! This is exactly what should be happening in all schools (my principal is wonderful for this too, but she also helps to make our school a safe place and be a safe person for the students as well). How do you take care of yourself? I have been working on this a lot this year- exercising most days, the occasional bubble bath and spending time with my family rather than working in the evenings and on the weekends. I still find it difficult at times to continue to take care of me.

      Reply
  3. Maureen

    When I first started reading this chapter I was thinking friendship not relationship. I was thinking about friendships that I don’t have with my colleagues and how difficult my job is without that. As I read further I realized my definiton did change but was more so about my colleagues, not the students I support.
    For me relationships begin to grow with people who challenge my thinking in a way that moves me forward. So I guess I look for someone who is able to support and challenge me. These are also the qualities I give to student relationships.
    I remember one grade 7 student. This was a long term temp class while I was a TTOC. I met him 5 years later working in a pet store. He greeted me by name and said, “Do you remember me?” I did immediately. He told me that he remembered the time I was his teacher as I was the only person who challenged his thinking and made him a better person. I was thankful that he told me, but had no idea what I had said or done those years before.
    In order to affect this kind of change I must have been that 3:00 person. I know I have created this in my space today as I have staff and students enter into my space to just decompress. Sometimes we don’t even say anything but they know they are supported and that I’m there if they need me to be there for them.

    Reply
  4. Elaine

    Ahhh, the eternal imprints on our hearts. I can think of maybe a dozen kids since 2001… But before then, I loved em all – especially my leadership 10 & applied tech classes.
    “Back in the 90’s…” I remember feeling less attached to my students after I had my own 2 children. I wondered, at the time, if I would be as good at teaching as I was when my class was my heart.
    Since then, I’ve only really wrapped around the little ones who didn’t seem to have anyone else. I am stability, predictability, consistency and care for a small handful of kids (and sometimes parents) who need a Mama Bear in their corner. I am “safe enough”. I am “healthy enough”. I don’t entertain fantasies about taking them home with me, but I do make sure that once a week at least, that little person knows that all of my attention is on him/her. And for Joe Average? I do my best to smile, engage and take time to listen (It’s like a sabre tooth tiger smiling, sometimes, but I do my best).

    People, if you haven’t seen this TED Talk by Rita Pearson, it sums up our conversation better than my belated post: https://www.ted.com/talks/rita_pierson_every_kid_needs_a_champion
    Enjoy!
    (Every Kid Needs A Champion!)

    Reply
    1. tiebcmembers (Post author)

      I love Rita’s TED Talk! I try to be that Champion for my students and feel that I am for a bunch of them and wonder how I can get there for a few more. There is one student in our school, a grade 2 student who was new to our school in September, who is not letting anyone be his champion. He tells us and shows us on a regular basis that he does not want to be at school, nor does he like any of us. It is my goal to become his champion. I want to make a connection with him so that he has a safe person within our school. I want to see him smile more often. I want to hear him laugh, and learn. So far, we have only heard negative, grumbles, yells. He needs a person. I want to be that person, or at least to show that I can be that person for him.

      Reply
  5. Marguerite DiFilippo

    Elaine thanks for sharing that TED Talk, sometimes we need that jolt to get us going.
    I’m at the secondary level, so for me I try to acknowledge the vulnerable students by name every time I see them, and if they’ve been away for awhile I tell them it’s nice to see them back. I really think that makes a difference. Many are now starting to say hi or hey back to me, which is a far cry from looking through me when I was speaking to them. Years ago I realized that you can’t change their dysfunctional homelife/family, but you can make them feel wanted at school. If I can be the one positive in their life right now, that’s great, if they don’t remember me years from now, that’s ok also. I just try to make their life right now enjoyable or at least bearable.
    I don’t have much contact with Joe Average or Joe Above-Average, that’s the mainstream teachers’ domain. Unfortunately, I just don’t have time in my day for them. It’s been reiterated before, you have to be healthy yourself before you can help others…

    Reply
    1. tiebcmembers (Post author)

      I do the same thing Marguerite. I especially love morning supervision as I try to say good morning to every student on the playground, addressing them by name. I meet the buses as they get to school and say good morning to the kids as they get off. I try to notice little things like hair cuts and new clothes. Some of the students don’t respond back, but most do. I think it is important to make every student feel welcome at school, to start their day off on a positive note, even if it is only fleeting 🙂

      Reply
  6. Rhonda

    I also enjoy greeting the students first thing in the morning. Fortunately I have two morning supervisions otherwise I just come out about 5 minutes before the bell rings. One day a little one who had been standing beside me and chatting – as I greeted students coming off the bus – for a few minutes asked incredulously, “Do you know everyone?”. Her comment still makes me laugh. I told her that I don’t know everyone, yet.

    Reply

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